It's not normal, I know that. I look in the mirror and think of everything I could do to change myself, to make myself asthetically appealing to those around me. I wish I didn't think like that. Most people have something to blame for why such horrendous thoughts engulf their mind, but for me.. I don't have an excuse. When people ask me why I think so lowly of myself, (few know) I simply reply that people called me fat when I was younger.
Who the fuck am I fooling? Only the people stupid enough to believe that. Damn, maybe I'm even fooling myself.
No one ever called me fat when I was younger. Maybe a "chubby" remark like once in my life, but it was never reocurring. Never enough to take it to the extreme that I did.
So why does my self esteem still dwindle? I can't tell you. All I can say is that it's crazy how I have such a warped perspective of myself. What I see in the mirror, I doubt other people see the same thing. Or maybe they do. Maybe they see this fucking ugly fat white chick, and maybe I'm crazy for thinking that they see the opposite. Or maybe people see me as a goddess, and I'm too blind to see beyond my own insecurities.
I'm so done with the woe, is me, stuff. It's draining to focus all of this negative energy toward my body, so I want to do something to change this. No more obsessing over the way that my stomach looks in the mirror. No more squeezing my inner thighs, hoping that the fat will just dissipate beneath my fingertips. No more thoughts of starvation crossing my mind.
I'm fucking done. & the change starts now.
I love you so much, Kayla.
ReplyDelete-Kevin